The Dark Night Of Faith

THE DARK NIGHT OF FAITH

In the journey of transformation under the light of Psalm 112
“Blessed are those who are compassionate…” (Ps 112:5b)

In the light of this Psalm, I realize that God has called me into this world, to exist, and He placed in me a longing, a desire to be “completely happy,” and He is the source of that happiness within me. But, O my Lord, from the realm of theory, everyone can present many different concepts, but to actualize that theory is not simple at all. I have lived a self-centered life, and gradually I lost my way. I thought I had grasped that happiness, but in reality, it was merely the happiness of the world, just a reflection seen in the light.

There are times when I forget where the compass of my life is, losing my direction without realizing it. I get caught up in my passions, chasing after the chaos, and I end up lost. I have turned the direction of my life into a dark place ahead, falling into the night of Faith to live according to my own freedom, constantly pursuing “incomplete happiness” by following my own desires. I feel like the one who “walks in darkness without any light” (Isaiah 50:10); I keep running, being unaware of what lies ahead—whether there is light, hope, and God. But, at a moment of my greatest weakness and loss of faith, You came to me, giving me strength and providing light so that I could touch and live in true happiness, which is being in You: “You, Lord, are my refuge, keeping me from distress.” (Psalm 31:7)

Perhaps darkness is a place where no one wants to stay, where no one wants to fall into a void, devoid of hope, feeling lost and negative. In that darkness, we feel truly lonely, and then we intentionally follow our egos, choosing to chase after fleeting pleasures and worldly passions; and at this moment, our lives fall into the whirlpool of a superficial, filthy, sinful, and fleshly world.

There are times when I look back my life and realize that I have nothing at all. If God did not grant me the necessary graces, I surely would not be able to do anything. If You do not illuminate and guide me, I wonder how many times I have truly seen You in my life? How many times have I been happy and immersed in Your love? I have ignored Your presence in my life. I always complain about my imperfections, feeling weighed down by the burdens I carry, feeling stifled by the dark and gloomy corners of my existence. My life feels like “a silver coin broken in half, like the rusted copper of the widow” — it is no longer whole. Faced with such challenges, I feel disheartened and tired. I blame You for what has happened to me. I rely on my own strength to seek perfection, comfort, and my own happiness. I have neglected You: “Are You going to remain silent? Are You going to let challenges surround me?”

I have longed for and found the true source of happiness in my life. The compass of my life is having God as both the means and the ultimate destination. However, I feel unworthy of the many graces that God has given me; I carry those graces but bury them deep within my heart, where they remain inactive and unfruitful. I see myself as an unfaithful steward, “burying the silver coin in the ground” (Matthew 25:8). Gradually, I lose faith in God and in all of creation around me; I become wary of them, cautious of everything, whether beautiful or ugly, and I slowly lose faith in myself and in God. With those wrong choices and failures, I stumbled once again, sinning and distancing myself further from God.

 “Blessed are those who are compassionate…” (Psalm 112:5a) – when I closed the door of love in my life, I could no longer love others, nor could I feel the love from others to me. Thus, I was not happy at all. God is the One who arranges everything broken in my life from the past to the present and future, and He is the One who will lead me into the light of happiness whenever I need it. He continually urges and purifies me each day so that anything that is not of Him is consumed by the fire of the Holy Spirit, leaving only Him within me—my captain, my leader, steering my life toward the ultimate goal of existence and faith. He always motivates me in various ways: through desire, through the longing for perfection with conviction, and through His love and the love of others. In the most difficult moments of my life, God manifests Himself concretely to exercise His authority over my life and to provide me with the motivation to continue the journey He has entrusted to me.

The gifts that God has given me are more than sufficient to live a life of perfect charity, yet I feel inadequate because “my silver coin is incomplete, imperfect,” filled only with faults and sins. But it is at that moment that His divine will is fulfilled in my life so that “His Name may be glorified,” for in all things, everything lies within God’s providence and will. “He created mankind in His image, and He never allows them to become meaningless” (Genesis 1:27).

For an imperfect being like me, God is always present in my life. He does not need anything from me; He only requires my cooperation so that He can bestow grace upon me to help me grow each day. When I stumble, He lifts me up and walks with me; when I am lonely, He is there to comfort me; when I suffer, He supports me; when my faith is weak, He is there to strengthen me and provide me with more faith. He gives me the confidence to walk forward because I have God with me, and I am no longer afraid. And “in the darkness, a light is shining”—this is the strength that assists me, and the compassion of God envelops this imperfect being, shielding me from all the challenges of life. I always believe that everything I do is with God by my side; He is truly the light in my life.

O God, please help me to fully use the “silver coin” that You have entrusted to me so that I may live abundantly in my vocation and mission. Along with that, please open my eyes so that I can see You present in the people and creations around me. Please open my ears so that I may listen to Your guidance. Please open my heart so that I always place my trust and love in You and my brothers and sisters. Please open my soul so that I may always see the light You shine to guide me, strengthening my faith so that I no longer feel alone, dark, and lost. Please widen my arms so that I can embrace everyone in my life and help me to seek and see You in all things and every day. “Lord, in the darkness of my life, I have seen Your presence and I have believed.” Amen.

 Maria Nhan – 2nd year Novice